Hairbangers Bios

Sakk Wylde

Sakk joined the mass hysteria in 2011.  After scouring the Earth for the worlds best frontman only to return with 47 illegitimate children and 3 new strains of hepatitis, we decided to hire a scientist to manufacture us a new member. It took countless attempts of collectively combining our love juices into a petri dish and adding a dash of glitter to finally produce the lovemaking, girlfriend taking, inner thigh shaking, heart-breaking front man Sakk Wylde.
 
His reponsibilities include making women juicy with his yummy vocals, ensuring the rest of the band is properly bedazzled and loading our big guns...confetti guns that is.
 
Sakk emerged from ‘Love potion 69’ with a mic clenched in his fist. From then on, his sights were set on rocking the faces off the masses. When he is not performing you will find him building things for our stage and playing with lights.  So remember ladies, he’s also good with his hands!

Clare Crush

Clare was legally adopted by Hairbangers Ball in 2010. We found her in the front row at one of our shows in '08, slamming jagerbombs and head-banging to Danzig. It only made sense to take her home with us. After 2 years paying her dues as Merch Girl, she proved that she had the skill and passion to join the magic on stage.
Clare loves heavy eyeliner, shiny spandex underwear, and long intimate walks down Milwaukee ave. When not shredding keys and microphones, she spends most of her time partying at Lockdown Bar or watching Frankenstein legacy DVDs. Her band duties include styling Sean Jovi's hair, driving the van for 1 hour every 2 months, and finding new creative hiding places when it's time to load equipment. Boys: Please send all love letters by dove, minimum of 500 words.

Jeff Jackson

Jeff is a founding member of Hairbangers Ball and thinks he has been in the band since 1897.  He enjoys counting his guitars, hanging out at Crobar and the new Vortex bottle.

His responsibilities include dazzling screaming arenas with his guitar skills, keeping the van stocked with gas and spare tires and operating the fog machine.

Despite his career aspirations to be the first man to live on the moon without actually realizing it, he was kicked out of the NASA training program for consistently hiding his left over Denny’s omlettes in the spacecraft.  JJ now uses these learned “out of this world” skills to turn the HB Cougar Train into his own personal harem of lust and mayhem.

Bobby Bones

Bobby Bones has been banging in the band since 2004. He enjoys the ladies, snorting Afrin, and overdosing on Sudafed. He survives on a diet of cheez-its, vodka, and doing shots of anything. His responsibilities include shredding the six-string, growing his golden hair, and stuffing his large Johnson into women’s size zero pants. Luckily Bobby graduated with a degree in music. So when the rest of the band is puking on themselves, you can look to Bobby to keep the show going with his soaring guitar solos…while pretending to be sober and also puking on himself.

Sean Jovi

Sean joined Hairbangers Ball in 2007 after serving tirelessly as Polly Pantz’s bitch for three years.  He enjoys plastic hats, Jameson and a good hair straightener.  He is most likely currently dating your girlfriend or daughter.

His responsibilities include slapping the bass, keeping Polly and Clare in line and cleaning the green room. 

Despite graduating from the University of Notre Dame with a BS in Engineering , Sean continued to expand his horizons through seemingly endless lessons of lust, debauchery and make-up application which culminated in him obtaining a PhD in pussy from the University of Phoenix Online.

The Kid

The Kid joined the Hairbangers family in 2009.  We found this dude at 115 Bourbon St. (South Side!) making out with a 19 year old while mainlining Rumplemintz.  After experiencing such wanton lust for immorality, we really didn’t care if he could play an instrument.  Fortunately for us, he can pound the skins like Ron Jeremy does an amateur. 

His other responsibilities include taking out his parents garbage, making sure Jeff Jackson has ample beer onstage and forcing the van into multiple “emergency” stops. 

We really have no idea where The Kid came from. Or what he does. And it is probably best that we don’t.

Polly Pantz

Polly is a founding member of Hairbangers Ball and has been in the band since the beginning of time.  She enjoys meat, especially sausage, smoking and pole dancing.  She is currently dating the black Johnny Walker. 

Her responsibilities include making love to the keyboards, heating up loins with her voice, getting yelled at by Jeff Jackson and making sure there are Jagerbombs in the dressing room. 

Despite her debaucherous nature, Polly is a classically trained pianist.  When not spending her “me time” tirelessly scrapbooking on behalf of her 2 dogs and cat, this x-rated tease can be found breaking the hearts of every poor bastard from Chicago to outer space…literally...

Joe "Big Wig" Valentino

Joe has been the booking agent/tour manager of Hairbangers Ball since 2005. He makes certain that we get paid rock star money so we have enough dough to buy liquor and sex toys.

Joe wrangles, bargains, and kicks ass to ensure that the HB bang train will continue to churn for years to come. Just give him the deal he wants so we can continue to live lives of excess and debauchery. Joe enjoys expensive designer jeans, suing your ass, guitars made of rich mahogany, the smell of new printed money, banging our groupies while we are on stage, and clubs that smell like urine. You are not allowed to speak to him unless he speaks to you first.

We found Joe playing his guitar in an alley behind the Cubby Bear harassing a group of underage girls with a bad version of Every Rose Has Its Thorn. Since then he has transformed into a real estate and cover band mogul, and is worth more money than Sean Jovi's package. He currently owns 25 mansions, 3 small islands, Polly Pantz's soul and half of Jeff Jackson's brain.